Dear Chausey,

I am at a crossroads in my life, and I need some advice.  

My father is on hospice and is slowly dying. It has been a long and arduous past five years with him and the manifestations of his dementia. Watching this man, this ox of a human, this colossal brain, and massive heart of a person dwindle to a skeleton in a wheelchair who has forgotten how to swallow has been almost too much to bear. But it was my choice to be here to witness and to help him in any way I can. He was always my protector, my champion, my friend, and the person who made me laugh the most.  Seven years ago, when I moved back to Texas from the UK, to be present for him, I had no idea what was in store for me. All I knew is that I loved my father and I needed to make sure that my brother, who already lived here, did not have to bear all the weight of what was to come. Luckily, my husband was up for a new adventure in Texas. But now, with my father's passing imminent on the horizon, I am not sure I can stay much longer after he dies.

The problem is my mother. It always has been.  Dad was the one who always protected me. My mother is not mentally well. She has four children, and all of us have a problematic relationship with her. I seem to be, as her oldest child, the one who is the direct recipient of her venom, anger, and vitriol.  In the past, I've had to move away and live in two different countries  - physical borders make the best boundaries with her. I've had tons of therapy to work on my relationship with her. It has helped me manage me being here, with her constant presence in my life. To be honest, up until recently, our relationship has been manageable. I think because I have practiced and continue to practice operating from a place of empathy and compassion with her. She does love my dad and is devoted to him and this is what I tell myself every time she does something to hurt me. But once Dad passes and he is no longer a buffer between us, I am not sure I can stay and bear witness to and help her as she ages and declines. I want to run away. Take my little family and move to Argentina or Ecuador or Singapore (or even Seattle!) - anywhere where I don't have to be in her atmosphere of bitterness, denial, anger, and judgment. Moving country is easy for us, as my husband can work almost anywhere in the world and I can too. We have an 11-year-old daughter who might be unmoored for a while, but she's pretty easy going and would adapt, I'm sure.  

But the thought of not staying to help Mom with her aging process and leaving her with my brother to deal with fills me with an enormous weight of guilt. 

I know that I can't stay and nurse her the way I have nursed my Dad. But how I can I live with the guilt of leaving? Or stay and go through this process again with someone who hurts me. 

With love and respect, 

Daddy’s Girl

Dear Daddy’s Girl,

I'm sorry.  Gosh, it must be incredibly painful to watch your friend, your protector...your father, decline right before your eyes.  It sounds like it's been a long painful goodbye, and it's still not over.  I'm so sorry, Sweetheart. I wish I could give you a hug right now!  I must say, it's quite beautiful that you've been able to move heaven and earth to be there for him.  It's a testament to the love you have for him, and the Love he has poured into you your whole life.

It feels to me that you're really just looking for someone to tell you that it's okay, that you've done your time, and you can go and live the life of your dreams.  I hear that you're afraid of the guilt that may come along with that choice.

In your sharing there was a phrase that jumped out at me, and that was "Run Away".  My sense is that any action that comes from a place of avoidance would result in negative feelings like guilt.  So instead, I would ground myself in "Honoring My Heart".  That is a very different sensation than fleeing. 

I also want to acknowledge you for doing your own therapy work in regards to your Mom!  It must have taken a lot of deep processing to get to a point of feeling compassion and empathy in her presence.  That's a true win! 

I hear that you have sacrificed so much to come from the UK and assist your father in the ways that you have, and that you were led to make that choice by your Heart.  As painful and as inconvenient as it's been, you sound grateful for the opportunity to serve your father in this deep and sacred way.

I don't hear from your letter that your Heart is guiding you to stay and do the same for your Mother; just the desire to avoid her emotional abuse, and the guilt for leaving.

So, this leads us back to this challenging question, "Am I allowed to leave my Mom in my brother's care and go live a life that I want to live?"

That is a heavy question to hold, so let's see if this Gestalt exercise will help you find your answer and get you to a place of Freedom inside: 

I would encourage you to speak directly with your own inner 80-year-old woman.  

Picture yourself how you'd like to be...I see you at 80, very Light-filled, strong, wise, having lived a full life, and continuing to live an active life.  You are healthy, dwelling in your ideal desired location, surrounded by your Soul Friends, your husband, and maybe there are even grandchildren around!  You are creative, resourceful, and love living your life.  You have had much success in your career, and continue to create rich new experiences for yourself.  You live in abundance in every sense of the word, and you have much Peace in your heart.

Then, actually write out the script from that place.  For example:

Current Me:  I need your guidance right now.  I'm conflicted, torn.  Do you have any direction for me?

80 Year Old Me:  Of course!  Come and sit...open your heart to me.  I've got you.  I'd love to hear all the details of your dilemma, and share my thoughts with you from this current perspective. 

Script this out, really accessing the wisdom and intuition of your older, wiser Self.  Take the writing to completion and end it with generous amounts of Self Forgiveness, forgiving yourself for any judgements against yourself, your mother, or any judgements that it "should" be different than what you're experiencing.  Spiritually speaking, everything that's happening is serving your Awakening, your Evolution.

Whatever you eventually choose, let your choice come from Love.  When we choose from a place of guilt or fear, we choose from ego.  And choosing from ego does not lead to Peace. 

If your Heart guides you to move someplace exciting (and your husband is in full agreement), I would set the intention to go responsibly, making sure your brother has the support he needs, and that your Mom knows how much you truly Love her.  You could plan weekly check-ins with both of them.  Boundaries will be important no matter what you choose to do, so do check in with your Heart every day and honor the space it desires when you need it.

I hear that of the 4 children, you receive the most vitriol from your mother.  I find myself wondering, if you do end up moving and leaving her care in your brother's hands, if this would also lead her to a more Peaceful experience?

I can't know that answer, but I do believe that when we honor our Heart, we honor the highest good of all involved. 

You are wise, and the answers are already written in your Heart. 

You just have to be willing to listen and honor that internal guidance when it comes.

And it will. 

I love you. 

I’m here for you. 

Be Free.

In whatever you choose.

You've done a truly beautiful job in caring for your champion.

Sending you Love and Strength, Comfort and Peace for the days to come,

Chausey